To my husband,
The overwhelming love I have for you is not something I can adequately put into words, but I am going to try.
Sometimes when a divorcée gets remarried it’s looked upon as a second chance to get it right, and maybe In a way it is, yet, even though you are my second marriage I have so many firsts with you. My first long distance relationship, my first Seether concert, my first ND fair experience, my first single mom meltdown (when you talked me down from my own crazy ledge), the first time we watched Marley and Me together and you cried like a baby, my first tattoo, the first time you touched my face, the first time you kissed my lips, the first time you said you loved me, the first time you held me, the first time in a long time I felt wanted by a man, and of course our first secret getaway.
I still remember every second of every detail of how I fell for you. I remember the moment it turned from acquaintances with the same struggles, to best friends falling in love. How we went from talking about “them”, to it just being “us”. Oh how I love us.
I remember that first weekend. I remember the way I felt waiting to meet you for the first time since we fell for each other so many miles apart. I sat in the lobby of that rustic mountain hotel waiting…waiting to know if this feeling was true, waiting to know if we were just crazy, waiting for what I didn’t realize at the time was my life to change forever.
You walked in confidently with your cowboy boots on (I love you in cowboy boots), but just as nervous as me. You wrapped your arms around me and I knew. I knew that was it for me, that from that day on I was yours,because I fit perfectly in your arms, and I felt home right there in the middle of Montana, right there in your arms. That weekend with you changed me. I knew that the struggles I had, that the mountains I would have to climb, and that in any and all obstacles in my life I would not be alone, I knew we were in it together. Many don’t know about that weekend. The time we told only our closest friends we were meeting, the time we decided to make a choice all on our own with no outside opinions as to what we wanted in life. The hike through the mountains, the hot pools, being together just us with Gallatin National Forest as our backdrop of what has and will always be the most romantic weekend of my life. We’ve kept it pretty hush hush (I guess until now), but I hope you know that weekend in Montana was by far the best first moment of our life together. Those mountains of Montana will always hold a special place in my heart.
You’re always the first to know how I feel. Sometimes it’s easy in a relationship to get stuck on someone’s past. To dwell on the already happened instead of what’s happening, but my past is your past, my pain is your pain, my triumphs are yours. You have always been the first to recognize God’s hand in our life, and in our coming together. I know I can talk (or blog) about our past and you never think I’m hung up on someone else, or that I can’t get over it. You know exactly how I feel and have always encouraged me to express myself in this way and allowed me to share our story with the world. Although I hate that you know the same pain as me, having your empathy is one of the best gifts you could give me.
You are the first person I want to tell anything to. When something exciting happens I want to call and tell you. When I’m pissed off at an annoying table I had to wait on at work, I want to tell you. You can calm me down, you can build me up, and you are the first one to have my back.
The first time I cried in front of you…I hate doing that by the way…and the way you just held me and didn’t try to fix it, but just told me it was going to be okay. That was a terrible and beautiful first for us. A first that let me know it probably wouldn’t be the last but that we’d always “figure it out”, together.
The first time I saw you interact with my kids made me fall deeper in love with you. Watching not only you love them over these past few years, but the way they love you, takes my breath away. And the first time I saw you raising your sons, I realized chivalry is not dead. That you are raising gentlemen just like yourself. The first time we did FaceTime with your oldest son when we moved to NJ and the look on your face after…I could feel your love and longing to be closer to him. I still see and feel it in your eyes. I know you doubt yourself as a dad sometimes, but you are doing a good job. I hope you know nothing is more attractive than you being a father.
The first time as a family when we knelt in prayer together. Hearing you ask the Lord to watch over us, your family. As you have developed a deeper love in God I feel more loved as your wife. You have always been a giver, and I love your generous heart.
Although there are so many firsts for me with you, it’s true, you were not my first love, but you are my last. And to be someone’s last…well there is something so beautiful and special in that.
I remember when you said you wanted to marry me, and I said to you, that the next time I am married I want to be very married, I wanted the fairy tale. I knew my girls would be watching me, watching the kind of man I would end up with. I needed the Prince Charming not just for me, but for them to see that it is possible to be loved so deeply. You give that to me everyday. From the first goodbye kiss in the morning, when you brush my wild hair away from my face and never rush the moment (even if you’re running late), but so gently and quietly kiss me…the kiss after work, when you hold me tight and kiss me just long enough to embarrass the kids…to the goodnight kiss that has equal emotion and depth at the end of a long day, I know I am a very married and a very loved woman. Thank you for giving me the happily after…the after.
If I had a choice to go through it all again knowing the hurt it would take to get here, and knowing how crazy our lives would get, I would. I choose you, I choose crazy. I can’t wait for the many more firsts to come, and for our everlasting love.